idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize