Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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