I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
