After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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