I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize