just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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