So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
