I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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