I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
