I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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