My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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