you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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