i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
