tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
