Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
