I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
