just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
