i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
