If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
