There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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