So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
