Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
