bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Life is so much better after having sex.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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