So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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