tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
