I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
