My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
