Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Randomize
