so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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