oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Say something about gay babies.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
