if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
