I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
