I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
