Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and she was petting her beer can
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize