I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
