I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize