I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
