I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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