Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
