apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
