if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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