I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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