So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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