Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
