I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
