I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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