You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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