I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
