His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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