A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize