Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Let's get the cat blown out
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Drunk is not a location!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
