is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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