smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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