i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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