How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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