so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
