I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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