i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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