i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
