Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
