I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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