I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize