maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
