The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize