Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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