I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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