Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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