this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
